West Ham United vs Chelsea (Saturday, 12.30pm)
5 points: The London Stadium is full of festive cheer and good will to all men after Chelsea dismantle West Ham in a 4-1 away win.
15 points: There are six minutes stoppage time and the end of the game and Gary Cahill’s elbows are responsible for five of them.
25 points: Karen Brady takes a break from watching a rabble of disorganised, bone-headed egomaniacs and decides to go back to the Apprentice.
Burnley vs Watford (Saturday, 3pm)
5 points: The race for seventh remains in the balance after a 2-2 draw.
15 points: Andre Gray scored against his former club with only his fifth shot of the season – and of course refuses to celebrate.
25 points: Tony Gale notices that Richarlison is wearing gloves and wonders if he’ll ‘fancy’ a trip to Turf Moor. Yes, the Richarlison who had a gun put to his head as a teenager in a turf war in Brazil.