Try this dating exercise that will help you find love.
“Why can’t I find someone?”
“Why do I keep dating the wrong person?”
“Why can’t I get beyond one or two dates?”
I hear these questions often from single women. Interestingly, the dating advice I frequently hear and read as a response, tells people to make lists about what they truly want in a relationship and/or partner.
I myself give that advice to some of my clients; it is a good start for a single woman dating in this harsh dating world. However, it is just a start.
The other less advertised and more difficult piece is about you — not what you want, but what you bring and, dare I say, don’t bring to the table.
This exercise is good to do with a really close friend and confidant who can assist you with getting really honest when it comes to learning how to attract a guy.
Start with a list of what you bring to a relationship.
What do you offer? You can start with generalities, personable, fun, athletic, but then dig deeper and get specific.
This is where your friends can be helpful. What was it about you that attracted them? What about you keeps them in a relationship with you?
The next part is the hard part and you should be in a good frame of mind. Be willing to be open to feedback and be honest: What do you NOT bring to a relationship?
Start the list with fun generalities. For example:
- “I do not bring any love of camping or antiques.”
- “I am 5 foot 5 inches and brunette. I do not bring height or blonde hair to the relationship.”
Then dig deeper. What was your part in why past relationships did not work out? What are some things about you that you know you would like to change? For example, do you have a temper? Are you too needy? Do you have an unhealthy lifestyle?
Your list might look something like the following.
Things I do not bring to the table but I am OK with:
- “I do not bring height.”
- “I do not bring a love of camping.”
- “I do not bring blonde hair.”
- “I do not bring a love of old cars.”
Things I do not bring to the table and would like to work on:
- “I do not bring emotional stability, because I have a short temper. I would like to work on changing that by seeing a therapist, doing a guided meditation, taking anger management classes.”
- “I am not good at dating because I attach too quickly. I would like to change that by enlisting my dating buddy/good friend to ground me and call me out when I start talking about or obsessing about long-term possibilities after the first initial dates.
- “I do not bring a healthy lifestyle because I drink too much and I do not work out. I would like to change that by reducing my alcohol consumption to one day a week/one drink and begin to exercise by walking 3 times a week/going to the gym 4 days a week.”
Always define why you don’t bring something to the table and take the opportunity to get specific on what you are going to do to work on it.
Compare your lists of what you bring, do not bring, and are willing to work on to your lists of wants in a relationship/partner. How do they measure up with each other? More importantly, how do you measure up against your own wants of someone else?
And this exercise is not just for singles; it works for couples as well!
Sarah Stewart is an author, personal development and relationship coach, and a social worker. To learn more, visit her website.
This article was originally published at lifeachievementcoach.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.