In a food-related slap down that hits way too close to home, Married At First Sight’s arrogant and temporarily-diseased runaway groom has mocked his wife and her junk food platters in ugly detail behind her back.
It’s one of just two food insults on Sunday night. The second comes at the hands of the former adult virgin. Out of everything he has done, this act is perhaps the worst. But more on food later. Get your junk food platters ready.
Matthew and Lauren are on the rocks all because he said he’s not attracted to her. And tonight, our predictions come true. Matthew does a bash and dash. Lauren is humiliated and she doesn’t know who to blame. She wants to hate Matthew but she can’t help but think she let herself get cocky. She confides in us that because she’s Matt’s first, she was worried he’d fall in love with her too soon. It never occurred to her the opposite could happen. In only seems appropriaye to again quote Married At First Sight oracle Tracey Jewel: Matthew has hib ip and quib ip.
We still don’t know where Elizabeth is and we’ve honestly looked everywhere. No new make up tutorial videos have been posted on her YouTube account. We’ve printed missing person flyers and left them on the store counters of Priceline Pharmacies all around Sydney. Local fire stations say they haven’t received any late-night triple-0 calls about pizza-toast related fires. It’s like she just vanished.
Sam’s furious at his wife’s disappearance. She hasn’t called or texted once. He even left a voicemail and she had the gall to not respond. Who the hell doesn’t listen to their voicemails? A lunatic, that’s who — the kind of person who’d do something like, I don’t know, fake a funeral.
“I feel disrespected,” he huffs.
Tell it to a voicemail, Samuel.
We then watch him apply calamine lotion to his contagious chicken pox welts and, honestly, why would a woman not want to be around this, it doesn’t make sense.
You know, with all the ugliness happening on this show, let’s just take a moment to appreciate a beautiful man with a bun wearing a fabulous silk shirt.
There’s just so much drama happening at the moment, I feel a personal duty to weed out the crap and just present the important information. We find out Matthew has slapped Lauren with the ultimate insult — and it’s not that he told everyone he’s not attracted to her in the slightest. This insult came in the hours after. Lauren tells us that she got home and Matthew wasn’t there. And more importantly, neither was their food.
“He packed up everything in the fridge. All the food’s gone. Everything’s gone,” she says.
This is the ultimate low blow.
“Your husband took food from you?!” Cyrell screams. We’re glad you appreciate the gravity of this situation, Cyrell.
Melissa, like us, reacts appropriately.
At the commitment ceremony, a famished Lauren sits on the couch and tells the experts everything. She’s so starving after her fridge was robbed that she barely has the strength to go into it. “Lesbian … threesomes,” is all she whispers. My gosh, what Lauren would give for one of Lizzie’s stale handbag biscuits.
Matt takes over and cringes again about Lauren’s “sexual appetites”. We still don’t know why he insists on making it a plural.
“We got to the dinner party and my default setting is honesty so I got asked a question … are you attracted to Lauren? What ended up coming out was … I don’t think I am,” he tells the experts.
Matt still doesn’t see what’s wrong with telling a group of randoms at dinner that you think your partner is meh while they’re literally sitting next to you.
“I feel like shit,” Lauren says. “The thing that pisses me off the most is that Matthew was a virgin coming into this. And to me, when you lose your virginity to someone you have to surely be sexually attracted to them. I just feel used because was he just doing it to have that experience for the first time?”
Matthew takes several long blinks before saying, “No, because Tinder, Lauren, duh,” and we’re all shocked that Matthew knows what Tinder is.
And that’s when he does it. He reveals his card. He has bashed and dashed.
Lauren bows out. She can’t wait to get back to the uncomplicated life of ménage à trois and unleashing the beast.
As a sidenote, is Martha aware she’s wearing a lime green polo because it seems really off brand.
Also, Melissa confirms the last time she had sex was New Year’s Eve 2009 and everyone acts real cool about it.
Putting her evil genius plan into motion, Ines lies and says John Aiken is very good at therapying and she would like to stay another week please so she can continue cheating with Sam.
And now it’s time for Sam to activate his side of the plan. We secretly wish he hibs ip and quibs ip with Ines, but he doesn’t.
Of course, we have to ask where Lizzie is.
“Who? Oh, the girl with the pizza-toast,” Sam replies.
“She has disrespected me!” he claims, still looking fresh from his international fake funeral.
But John knows something we don’t.
“What I can tell you and the group is Elizabeth has not been feeling well,” he informs. “She’s got struck down by a virus and she was not able to make the dinner party last night nor the commitment ceremony tonight.”
We want more answers. Did she get struck down after eating a particularly old slice of pizza-toast? We would like to know so we can avoid the same demise. But Sam is too perturbed to ask any further about his wife’s welfare.
“I’m sick as a dog and I’m till here,” he strops.
“I think communication wouldn’t go astray — just would’ve been nice to know what had happened … maybe her reach out,” he adds, not even the slightest bit aware of the irony.
He’s mortified Elizabeth has stood him up and made him look like an idiot. Only he’s allowed to make her look like an idiot. Sam really can’t read a room. He thinks — because of his all-over body sores and being abandoned — we have sympathy for him, and he proceeds to mock Lizzie in an attempt to further nudge us to his side. It’s ugly. Only we’re allowed to mock Lizzie.
“She tried to force-feed me Nutella!” he laughs about his wife, mocking the delicious junk food platter she assembled.
“It was pretty full on. I was pretty turned off by her … Like, get away from me, you know? All of a sudden she’s trying to eat my face off!”
We’re disgusted. As humans, all anyone of us want is to meet someone who will willingly force-feed us Nutella. He had that and he threw it away and now he’s sitting here laughing. Sam doesn’t deserve love or Italian confectionary spreads.
For more observations on junk food platters and fabulous silk shirts, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir