We. Are. Exhausted. Watching people graft hard for eight weeks has made swiping online look easy.
Keeping our chakras as happy as Eyal’s when we’re struggling to keep up with which girl Adam is dating, why Dr Alex has survived so long in the villa and how many times Laura’s been dumped was tough.
We thought loyalty, honesty and fidelity were the major staples in any relationship – but this year’s islanders made our morals look as laughable as Hayley’s fear of Brexit wiping out trees.
So when it comes to chatting up your type on paper, here’s what we’ve learned:
1. Never date a doctor who doesn’t tan well
Alarm bells should be ringing when a guy who works to save people doesn’t want to wear sun cream to save himself from cooking in the Mallorcan sun. But poor Alexandra was so smitten by his fireman strip tease and love of cars she completely missed his obvious disinterest in her. He recoupled with her for a second time – after new Jack nicked new Laura – and let her believe he liked her, only to spend their first date hitting up his Ferrari instead of Alexandra before swiftly dumping her.
2. A relationship will only work if you have a picture of their dad on your bedroom wall
Have any of the male islanders got pictures of their girlfriend’s dads on their bedroom wall? Have any of their relationships been as strong as Jani’s? We think not. Jack may have been embarrassed at Dani finding out from his ex, #awkward, that his bedroom wall is plastered with a picture of hard man Danny Dyer – but it hasn’t stopped them confessing their love and deciding to move in together. The geezer might just want to take it down when Dani comes for a sleepover.
If a man wants to speak, then dear God let him speak. He may be sitting on a £2 billion fortune and trust us, these rare breeds are hard to come by. If he wants to offer an opinion or if he wants to tell you you’re “pathetic” for walking away from an argument, then let him – yes, Ellie we’re talking to you. If you don’t you’ll be picking your jaw up off the floor when he wipes you from his will, we mean dumps you. Sorry.
5. Never settle – bombshells are everywhere
Stealth is key. Bombshells could be anywhere. You must be vigilant. One minute you could be shacked up with Kendall Rae-Knight and then BAM Welsh lawyer Rosie Williams’ is telling you she fancies you. But never settle because a government advisor could be hiding round the corner ready to pounce and make you question whether a Welsh lawyer really was your type on paper.